INBOX - NHD-C12-KRI-248 - IKARI, SHINJI

[forevalone]

ikari.shinji@cdc.org
(0) UNREAD MESSAGES

text message	audio message	voice mail
<span style="font-family:courier;"><B>FROM:</B> lastname.firstname@cdc.org <B>TO:</B> ikari.shinji@cdc.org [[200 max character message here]]</span>	<span style="font-family:courier;"><B>CALLING:</B> LAST NAME, FIRST NAME</span> [[3 minute max message here]]	<span style="font-family:courier;"><B>(1) VOICEMAIL:</B> LAST NAME, FIRST NAME [[3 minute max message here]]

Comments

[forevalone]

<sub>[Don't look at me like that he wants to say when Kaworu breaks the contact of their lips. It had been a one sided kiss, Kaworu had just let it happen, as brief as it had lasted. His voice is careful, cautious and low, like one would speak to a wild deer, but Kaworu looks like he's the one caught in headlights and Shinji wants to scream. Teeth dig into his lower lip as he turns his gaze away. He's frustrated. Why the hell couldn't Kaworu just go along with it? Why couldn't he just kiss him back and let him forget for a few minutes that there was anything that existed outside of the two of their bodies.

Part of him wants to smash his head against the nearest tree while another part of him wants to push Kaworu against one instead. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings. He's feeling too much, a poisoned hotpot of jumbled emotions, fears and insecurities. He needs a release of some sort, whether it be screaming, crying or kissing the boy before him. Why does everything have to be so complicated? He might as well throw up his heart.]</sub>

What?

[paraclete]

[Shinji looks crushed — Kaworu can tell that much. Sympathy wells up inside of him, and he shakes his head and moves his thumb against Shinji's cheek like he did earlier. He doesn't want for Shinji to make such a face. And he can understand, at least, a desire for release...]

I'm sorry, [he says softly, and leans in. He kisses Shinji's lips once, and then pulls back again. He's still holding onto Shinji's hand, but now he brings it up to his mouth to kiss Shinji's curled fingers. When he speaks again, his lips move against his friend's knuckles: ] What do you need?

[forevalone]

_{[The kiss to his lips acts as a salve, an ice pack on his bruised heart. The brush of lips against his fingers too soothes him, even if he feels skittish, pent up and about to burst. Shoulders that were hunched fall slightly as he stares up at Kaworu, his heartbeat echoing in his ears.]}

You... _{[It comes out raw, as if his throat has been stripped bare.]} Just you, Kaworu-kun.

[paraclete]

I'm here, [is the immediate promise. Kaworu, now, is cradling Shinji's hand between his own palm and his cheek.] You have me. Whatever you need, Shinji-kun. [His thumb moves underneath Shinji's lower lip.] Do you want to kiss me again?

[forevalone]

_{[Whatever he needs...the ever present problem with Shinji Ikari is that he's never really sure what he needs. What he is sure of is that he wants to cling to the boy in front of him and never let go. He wants to kiss him again, wants to be close - as if he'll never have another opportunity again. He knows what Kaworu's answer will be, but he still asks.]}

Can I?

[paraclete]

[Though Shinji's current demeanor is still troubling, he's not wrong in his assumption: Kaworu will not reject him. Kaworu knows that Shinji is worried about rejection, while Kaworu himself is worried about Shinji... At least their concerns coincide. If Kaworu can give Shinji what he wants or needs, that's what he desires to do.

...Still... he also wants for Shinji to recognize that he can thrive on his own merits.]

You're all right. [He kisses Shinji, as requested, but it's chaste.] You're going to be all right. [And then he kisses Shinji again, but deeply this time. It's a kiss meant to whisk Shinji away from this aching, the sort of contact that really earnestly says, I'm here. Shamefully, it's... nice to feel needed...

But more importantly, he doesn't want Shinji to shake so much.]

[forevalone]

<sub>[At the end of the day it's a distraction that Shinji needs above all else. Yes, he wants Kaworu, in ways that make sense to a confused, puberty riddled teen, but he also seeks comfort and craves it. This contact is desperate, the kiss far deeper than any they've shared before. He doesn't realize his hands are clinging now, to the fabric at Kaworu's shoulders as he parts his lips to get closer. It's not like he really knows what he's doing when it comes to kissing - his actions are born out of a reaction to the attention he's receiving. Not that that stops him from trying. Nothing barring Kaworu himself could stop him right now.

You're going to be all right - but was he? He didn't feel all right. He felt messed up, topsy turvy, like he did when Toji had nearly died thanks to him. Back then it hadn't been his fault his friend had come to harm and that he was powerless to stop it. With Ellie it had been different, sure, but he was still powerless then too. He doesn't want to feel that way anymore.

Even here, right now, he feels powerless. Kaworu had left him, not by choice of course, but he'd still left. There's fear driving his actions, a desperate desire to control and cling to what's important, what validates him. It's what drove him into this kiss in the first place. Kaworu's mouth is hot, even if his fingers are cool. The kiss may leave him breathless when it's over, but for the first time in days it feels as if he's had life breathed into him.]</sub>

[paraclete]

[Feeling powerless is familiar by now. Kaworu can sympathize. He can relate — he tells himself, Because we're kindred spirits. Because their souls were meant to meet this way...

And Kaworu even knows what it is to give a desperate kiss.

Kissing Shinji makes Kaworu feel like a clumsy child again. (Maybe he's too afraid to look at himself and see how much progress he's made. Maybe the agony is too great, to think about how much time has passed.) His hands and mouth are tentative. His tongue and taste are a tremble. Shinji's the one whose taste makes Kaworu see white behind his eyelids. A head rush...

They break apart.] Shinji-kun. [Kaworu kisses him again.] Shinji-kun. [Kaworu kisses him again.] Shinji-kun. [Kaworu kisses him again...]

[forevalone]

<sub>[To be alone is frightening beyond all else. Piloting Eva had been scary and fighting Angels had been terrifying, but even the thought of dying paled in comparison to being the last one standing on a scale of bad end outcomes. Being alone was part of what made him human, sure, but he'd been alone for so many years. He'd had the pain of love and loss burned into his broken heart that had only been mended superficially over his lifetime. It was a fragile thing, his heart, so easily broken and taken advantage of.

For once Kaworu doesn't back off. He continues. He keeps kissing Shinji and he kisses back just as desperate, unable to say Kaworu's name in return, voice stolen away. It's selfish, what he's using Kaworu for now, if he really thinks about it. With his lips on Kaworu's, tongue wet and unpracticed, he can forget his loneliness for a time. There's no better distraction from his own imperfections and shortcomings than the angel who gives him whatever he asks for. He loves Kaworu, that's a truth he'll vehemently defend, but the comfort he yearns for is born out of a selfish need and nothing more.]</sub>

[paraclete]

[Even when man seeks to be alone, he fears it. Kaworu is certain that nobody wants to be truly alone — to be, perhaps, alone on one's own terms, but not without a soul to turn to. To relate to...

And Kaworu can relate. He felt alone during the emptiest part of his life, and he never wants to return to those times. Only when his role of repetition become clear to him did he realize that, through everything... No matter how many years in between... He'd always be coming back to Ikari Shinji. He'd always have that. He tells himself, too, that it's all he'll ever need. Just Shinji-kun. Just...]

Shinji-kun, [he says once more, and then this time, their mouths don't reconnect. Still, Kaworu's lips stay hovering close, and his eyes travel the close span of Shinji's face.] Does it feel good?

[He's so gentle, and so concerned, because there are things to fear other than loneliness.]

[forevalone]

_{[He's a terrible person. He's disgusting. A coward. Pathetic. He couldn't even save just one person. A person he cared about at that. Now here he was, throwing himself at his best friend, the person he loved most of all and yet knew very little about relatively. Does it feel good? It does, but he feels guilty. This is something he's wanted so badly but this isn't how he had wanted it to play out. He's just too beside himself to care. It's not a direct answer to Kaworu's question, but it's what he gives him.]}

I love you.

_{[Kaworu is gentle and concerned, everything Shinji wants and needs but he's not perfect. Shinji's been dimly aware of this but he pushes it aside when it doesn't suit him. Like right now. All that matters right now is that Kaworu is someone he can cling to. Someone he can squeeze comfort out of.]}