INBOX - NHD-C12-KRI-248 - IKARI, SHINJI

[forevalone]

ikari.shinji@cdc.org
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[paraclete]

You have become you, and you will become you in other ways.

[Selfishly, though insisting to himself that it's for Shinji's sake, Kaworu moves his fingers into Shinji's hair.]

What kind of person do you want to become, Shinji-kun? What qualities do you want to have?

[forevalone]

_{[He's not used to fingers in his hair, but it isn't unpleasant. Kaworu's presence is comforting. Everything about him is.]}

I...I want to be a good person. Someone people can depend on. Someone people like. I want to be strong and smart and quick and tall...but I'll never be the last bit because I'll never grow up.

[paraclete]

[Is it all right to say this? He's been sitting on so much for so long. He quells things. He covers his mouth and files memories away in countless coffins. The lunar surface is a library of things he can't tell Shinji. Chidori-san said it's dishonest to keep things secret. Kaworu won't lie to Shinji, but there are some things he just can't say. This feels like one of them. But maybe... Maybe— ]

Just as you depend on others, there are those who depend on you.

[He's settled for being avoidant, but it's implicit in the way he cups the back of Shinji's head: he's talking about himself.]

[forevalone]

I'm not dependable, Kaworu-kun...

_{[Not compared to Kaworu who was amazing, who was smart, powerful in incredible ways and talented.]}

I don't want to let you down...or anyone else.

[paraclete]

I also hate— [He smooths over Shinji's hair, over his forehead.] To let you down. [It's why Black Box was such an awful thing, and why he's so wearied.] There's no way to have a relationship with others without some pain coming from that relationship. You will be hurt by people, and you'll even hurt them, too. But you'll also find joy, and love, and strength in them. And they'll find the same things in you. That's where I find all those things — in you, Shinji-kun.

[forevalone]

_{[Kaworu is so gentle with him, so encouraging he still doesn't know why he deserves it. Out of everything terrible that's happened in his life thus far, Kaworu has been the one positive influence he's had left carried over from his world. Even if Kaworu had betrayed his feelings when they'd first met he hadn't really tried to understand the other boy either. It's an event Shinji never wants to repeat and relive.]}

Even if it hurts, I want to be close to you, Kaworu-kun. It's far more painful not to be.

[paraclete]

[Kaworu strokes now behind Shinji's ear, at the start of his neck, along his hairline. He's awfully indulgent right now, isn't he... But Shinji's such an anchor.]

When I left you, [when I died (when I asked for you to kill me),] I wasn't trying to hurt you.

[forevalone]

It hurt...more than anything else.

_{[More than what it felt like when his heart had stopped, or the feeling of having his arms being twisted and broken. It hurt more than anything he'd experienced piloting Unit-01; even though physically he was fine, his heart had been broken beyond repair. I wanted to die is what he refrains from saying, letting his eyelids fall to half mast as he stares at the Angel. It's soothing, to have Kaworu stroke his head like this. It fills a void he didn't realize needed filling so desperately.]}

[paraclete]

I know. I'm more sorry than I can express. But I don't regret allowing you to live.

[His fingers continue their calming motions. Really, dying is okay if Shinji is alive and well. Anything is okay if Shinji is alive and well. While he aches knowing of Shinji's anguish, at least if Shinji is alive, he has the opportunity to mend. (Kaworu doesn't know that In my heart of hearts, I know that I could never love again.)]

Thank you for letting me be near you, even though I hurt you so much.

[forevalone]

_{[There's a shift in bodies as Shinji scoots closer until their foreheads are touching and his own fingers have slid away from Kaworu's cheek to rest in the soft hairs at the nape of the Angel's neck. Curled up like this in his bunk with the divider closed with Kaworu is the most safe he's felt in a long time. He'd been hurt but he'd been hurt countless times before. Now Kaworu was here to extend a hand and help him up back on his feet, as were others. As much as he liked to convince himself that he was alone...he wasn't. Not here.]}

I want you near me, Kaworu-kun.

_{[The closer the better, but he shoves that thought away as quickly as it comes.]}

[paraclete]

Draw near to me, and I'll draw near to you. [He's learned, along the way, that Shinji's desires must come first. He can wait fourteen years, or however much longer; when Shinji asks Kaworu to come, he'll come.

But he can't deny that it's wonderful to be close to Shinji like this. The sight and the scent, and his hair and clothes and skin. When Kaworu called Shinji down to his piano, after a decade and a half of staring at the stars, it was all he could do not to scoop Shinji up and inhale deeply. But even sitting next to him was enough. Now, to be gifted with the press of Shinji's hands...]

In the end, it all returns to you. I'll return to you, always.

[forevalone]

It isn't just about me, Kaworu-kun.

_{[He keeps saying that, in various iterations to the other boy, but he doesn't know how to get it across. It matters what Kaworu wants because whatever it is Shinji wants to give it. It always feels one sided that way, and it's not something Shinji wants. He already feels indebted enough.]}

You should drawn near if you want... _{[He bites his lip, worrying the bottom one between his teeth before he releases it.]} I'll never reject you.

[paraclete]

[That's almost laughable. Kaworu shuts his eyes. I don't like you, I won't be your friend, you do strange things. Ikari Shinji tasted like...]

It is about you.

[forevalone]

But it's about you too. Not just me. It can't be about just me, Kaworu-kun.

_{[Relationships didn't work that way, even Shinji knows that.]}

[paraclete]

But it's always been that way.

[Or, at least, nothing before Ikari Shinji matters.]

I think of you always, Shinji-kun.

[forevalone]

It's not a crime to be selfish sometimes, Kaworu-kun...or to think of yourself. You matter too, you know.

[paraclete]

What I told you back then is true. You made my life meaningful, Shinji-kun.

[It's probably inappropriate, but he speaks of that almost like it's a happy memory. Like he's at peace with it.]

[forevalone]

This is the present, Kaworu-kun.

_{[It's not a memory Shinji wants to relive by any means.]}

[paraclete]

My feelings haven't changed. [Tenderly, he takes his hand from Shinji's hair, lays his fingertips at Shinji's chin.] If anything, they've grown stronger.

[forevalone]

You can act upon them, you know...

_{[Not that he has to right now or anything, but with Kaworu's gentle fingers on his chin and their faces so close it's hard to think.]}

[paraclete]

[With all that's happened, Shinji is a balm. Kaworu had wanted so much to avoid him, to avoid failure, but he's given in, and look at him now... It feels good, better than he deserves. He huffs half a laugh and leans in, but it's to feather his lips against Shinji's forehead. This isn't even really a kiss; he's just resting. Mouth still a soft press, he murmurs,] Thank you for inviting me in.

[forevalone]

<sub>[At first there's a sudden excitement, a quick skip of his heartbeat when Kaworu shifts. He thinks he's going to kiss him, that he's going to lean in and their lips are going to connect-

But they don't. There's disappointment that he can't help but feel when Kaworu rests his lips against his forehead. He shouldn't be disappointed...but he is. He can't help it. Disappointment breeds embarrassment and soon enough Shinji is ducking down to tuck his face into the crook of Kaworu's neck, cheeks hot and ashamed. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he be content with just this?

Fingers grip the fabric of Kaworu's shirt as he stays close. At least he can have this.]</sub>

You're always welcome Kaworu-kun.

[paraclete]

[Shinji's disappointment goes, of course, unnoticed. If Kaworu could see his friend's expression, he'd question it, but right now he doesn't have a clue. All he knows is that Shinji's tucking close. And at least Kaworu moves to wrap Shinji up gently, arms now loose around a brittle frame.]

Am I welcome to stay here for a little while, then? With you?

[forevalone]

_{[It's a question Shinji thinks Kaworu should already know the answer to. Why is he even asking?]}

Of course you are.

[paraclete]

Then, this time, you're the one offering me a reprieve. Some day, I'd like to spend the night with you again.