INBOX - NHD-C12-KRI-248 - IKARI, SHINJI

[forevalone]

ikari.shinji@cdc.org
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Comments

[vengeance_driven]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

I named it Šupak.

[he needed a smile after these past few days.] You can call it whatever. People, they call me Nicky, NB, Niko. He can be any name.

[forevalone]

FROM: ikari.shinji@cdc.org

How do you even pronounce that?

FROM: ikari.shinji@cdc.org

What would you like me to call you?

[vengeance_driven]

FROM: bellic.niko@cdc.org

Like the English word shoe and like rock with a p instead of r. That is close enough, anyway. Also I do not mind what I am called. Niko is easy for you to pronounce, yes?

[forevalone]

FROM:ikari.shinji@cdc.org

That sounds kind of cute.

_{[Or it does when he tries to say it out loud.]}

FROM:ikari.shinji@cdc.org

Ah, yes. Then...Niko-san is okay?

D102, early

[paraclete]

[And when I say that this text comes early, I mean it. Like... directly after being ejected from the space vagina and seeing Shinji's texts.]

FROM: nagisa.kaworu@cdc.org

If you tell me where you are, I'll come to you immediately.

[forevalone]

FROM: ikari.shinji@cdc.org

I'm at my rover.

[paraclete]

FROM: nagisa.kaworu@cdc.org

I'm coming.

[And he does. The wee hours are lively with recruits emerging from the sky's strange rift, but Kaworu scouts the rovers, halo casting light onto the ground, and then he sees Rover 029. More importantly, he sees Shinji outside of Rover 029, so that's where he'll land, mere feet away from his pacing friend.

He hits the ground walking, to get even closer. The first thing he says is,] I'm so sorry.

[forevalone]

_{[Kaworu spots him before Shinji does, but the glow in the dim of the early hours is unmistakable, especially when followed by a voice he knows all too well. Turning on his heel Shinji doesn't hesitate to hurry toward the other boy, shoulders hunched as he tries to keep his breathing steady. He doesn't care if anyone will see him when he throws his arms around Kaworu, pressing his face into his chest. He doesn't care if it's inappropriate or if he looks a little pathetic clinging to his friend. The relief he feels is overwhelming, after three days of feeling utterly alone, that it comes out as a quiet sob that's supposed to sound like Kaworu's name. He's okay. He's alive. He's really here.]}

[paraclete]

[With Shinji pressed against him, Kaworu's hands hover for a moment over his friend's shoulder blades. He thinks, Look at what you've done. He can hardly bear to know that he's made Shinji cry again. How many times will it take until his soft smiles stay? Although the heart never works that way... They must take each feeling with each moment. But Kaworu wants for the moments to produce good feelings. Not a wretched sob from struggling lungs...

Now he's embracing Shinji, palms solidly against Shinji's back. Now he's sighing against Shinji's hair. Now he's saying, again,] I'm sorry. I'm here. I've come back to you.

[forevalone]

_{[It's not Kaworu's fault, part of Shinji knows that. Whatever had kept him away hadn't been his choice surely. Kaworu wasn't like that. He was here now and that's all that matters. He clings, words heaved out of him on the tail end of an exhale.]}

I'm s-so glad you're alive...

_{[Others hadn't been so lucky.]}

[paraclete]

Yes. I'm here, and I'm alive. Please— [He has no right to ask anything of Shinji, especially not after this, but his nerves demand that he ask: he disentangles himself from Shinji's arms just enough to bring his hand up to Shinji's cheek and make eye contact.] Please, let me look at you.

[forevalone]

_{[He doesn't want Kaworu to look at him. He probably looks like an absolute mess. His face is wet already and his eyes are bagged from worry and a lack of sleep. Even so, he allows Kaworu to look at him when he pulls back, a hand on his cheek. The touch is a comfort, one he leans into without any shame. He's beyond that point right now.]}

[paraclete]

[He's beautiful. He's a specimen of aesthetic divinity. The only thing Kaworu wants to see more is his smile. But now, at least, he can thumb a damp streak away from Shinji's cheek.]

Are you all right? [he asks softly. He knows that a lot of the answer is no, but hopes that some of it is yes.]

[forevalone]

_{[There's a shake of his head, heavy on his neck as he averts his gaze. No, he's anything but all right. The only thing he is is alive and even then he barely feels like he should be.]}

...Ellie died.

[paraclete]

[For a few seconds, at the side of Shinji's face, Kaworu's hand stills. Then he processes the statement, and his thumb starts his stroking again.]

I'm sad to hear it. [It's sincere, even if it sounds trite. Ellie had been a joy to exist with. She was wonderful, and she was good for Shinji. Kaworu's eyebrows are drawn in sympathetically.] I know she tried hard to survive. I'm sorry that she didn't.

[He switches thumbs once he goes quiet, moving his left thumb down the slope of Shinji's cheek instead of his right.]

But you are here, and this is now. And when 'next' happens instead of 'now,' you will be all right.

[forevalone]

No...you don't understand...I-I was there when she died, Kaworu-kun...there was a hole in her chest and she was bleeding to death and I couldn't...

_{[His throat is tight; Kaworu's hands are gentle on his face, but they're not helping. They can't erase what he's seen and experienced, no matter how much he wishes they would.]}

I had to bury her, Kaworu-kun...I had to bury Ellie...

[paraclete]

[For several solemn seconds, Kaworu is quiet, tracing along Shinji's face with fair fingers. He's working through the situation in his mind. Friendship is love, and to bury someone you love...

...To be with someone you love...]

You were there, [he murmurs, still outlining Shinji's features.] You were with her. Shinji-kun, the fact that you were with her means so much. Dying with a friend is more of a comfort than you know... [Here, he cups Shinji's face with both hands.] ...even if, for the friend, it's a devastating feeling. You did a wonderful thing for her. You're wonderful.

[forevalone]

_{[He doesn't feel very wonderful, that's for sure, and yet Kaworu's voice is still gentle, his hands soft and encouraging. He can't help but draw the comparison between Kaworu's death and her's; after all he'd been there during both events, although he can't see how he was a comfort to either of them, especially the Angel's.]}

I don't want to lose anyone else, Kaworu-kun...I don't want to be alone...

[paraclete]

You are not alone. [Though still a balm, Kaworu makes this statement firm: he's as serious about this as he is about making Shinji happy.] To live and to love is to lose. There is no painless option, and there's no relationship without sadness. [His thumb swipes softly underneath one of Shinji's eyes, catching the remnant of a tear.] But you are not alone, [he says, quiet and certain.]

[forevalone]

_{[There's a pause as Kaworu reassures him that he isn't alone. Love hurts, that much Shinji is more than aware of. It's why he's always been so afraid to open up to others - was the pain they'd leave him with when they left worth letting them close? If there's one thing he wants now more than ever it's to be close. A hand reaches up to snag Kaworu's as he uses the back of his other hand to rub at his eyes furiously.]}

...Come with me?

[paraclete]

[More than just letting Shinji take his hand, Kaworu links their fingers, slides palm against palm. Pain is hard to live with, but it's vital. A man without pain is a man without bliss. That's simply the nature of the heart, and Kaworu had been without bliss for too long to reject pain now. He'll take what he can get.] Of course.

[forevalone]

_{[Fingers entwined Shinji feels secure enough to step away, tugging Kaworu along beside him. He doesn't have a set location in mind, just somewhere a little ways away from camp, somewhere private. Steps that start off as slow pick up a panicked pace until he's found himself surrounded by trees, the soft of luminescence from fauna large and small lighting the area around them. It's then he turns to face Kaworu, his first few breaths since they've stopped moving shaky and unstable. His chest rises and falls, uneven at first, settling into something a bit less erratic as he takes a step forward. It's a desperate display of affection when he suddenly closes the distance between them, chapped lips pressing against Kaworu's unsuspecting pair. It's selfish, sure, but words aren't enough right now and neither is simply just being there.]}

[paraclete]

[It's concerning to see Shinji like this, with his stuttering body language and uneven breathing... Kaworu continues to grip his clammy hand, and he follows earnestly, eyebrows drawn in with worry. When Shinji stops, Kaworu does, too, and he's willing to wait for an explanation, but something seems so wrong... It's like Earth's lost autumns, and Kaworu's heart without a coat. He starts to say, Shinji-kun— But Shinji is kissing him. That doesn't make Kaworu worry any less.

At first, he doesn't respond. Then he squeezes Shinji's hand gently, and lifts his free fingers to rest them at the side of Shinji's face. He pulls back enough to speak, and to make eye contact, with caution in his red eyes.]

Shinji-kun.

[That's all he says, and it's soft and careful.]

[forevalone]

<sub>[Don't look at me like that he wants to say when Kaworu breaks the contact of their lips. It had been a one sided kiss, Kaworu had just let it happen, as brief as it had lasted. His voice is careful, cautious and low, like one would speak to a wild deer, but Kaworu looks like he's the one caught in headlights and Shinji wants to scream. Teeth dig into his lower lip as he turns his gaze away. He's frustrated. Why the hell couldn't Kaworu just go along with it? Why couldn't he just kiss him back and let him forget for a few minutes that there was anything that existed outside of the two of their bodies.

Part of him wants to smash his head against the nearest tree while another part of him wants to push Kaworu against one instead. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings. He's feeling too much, a poisoned hotpot of jumbled emotions, fears and insecurities. He needs a release of some sort, whether it be screaming, crying or kissing the boy before him. Why does everything have to be so complicated? He might as well throw up his heart.]</sub>

What?

[paraclete]

[Shinji looks crushed — Kaworu can tell that much. Sympathy wells up inside of him, and he shakes his head and moves his thumb against Shinji's cheek like he did earlier. He doesn't want for Shinji to make such a face. And he can understand, at least, a desire for release...]

I'm sorry, [he says softly, and leans in. He kisses Shinji's lips once, and then pulls back again. He's still holding onto Shinji's hand, but now he brings it up to his mouth to kiss Shinji's curled fingers. When he speaks again, his lips move against his friend's knuckles: ] What do you need?