INBOX - NHD-C12-KRI-248 - IKARI, SHINJI

[forevalone]

ikari.shinji@cdc.org
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Comments

[forevalone]

<sub>[To be alone is frightening beyond all else. Piloting Eva had been scary and fighting Angels had been terrifying, but even the thought of dying paled in comparison to being the last one standing on a scale of bad end outcomes. Being alone was part of what made him human, sure, but he'd been alone for so many years. He'd had the pain of love and loss burned into his broken heart that had only been mended superficially over his lifetime. It was a fragile thing, his heart, so easily broken and taken advantage of.

For once Kaworu doesn't back off. He continues. He keeps kissing Shinji and he kisses back just as desperate, unable to say Kaworu's name in return, voice stolen away. It's selfish, what he's using Kaworu for now, if he really thinks about it. With his lips on Kaworu's, tongue wet and unpracticed, he can forget his loneliness for a time. There's no better distraction from his own imperfections and shortcomings than the angel who gives him whatever he asks for. He loves Kaworu, that's a truth he'll vehemently defend, but the comfort he yearns for is born out of a selfish need and nothing more.]</sub>

[paraclete]

[Even when man seeks to be alone, he fears it. Kaworu is certain that nobody wants to be truly alone — to be, perhaps, alone on one's own terms, but not without a soul to turn to. To relate to...

And Kaworu can relate. He felt alone during the emptiest part of his life, and he never wants to return to those times. Only when his role of repetition become clear to him did he realize that, through everything... No matter how many years in between... He'd always be coming back to Ikari Shinji. He'd always have that. He tells himself, too, that it's all he'll ever need. Just Shinji-kun. Just...]

Shinji-kun, [he says once more, and then this time, their mouths don't reconnect. Still, Kaworu's lips stay hovering close, and his eyes travel the close span of Shinji's face.] Does it feel good?

[He's so gentle, and so concerned, because there are things to fear other than loneliness.]

[forevalone]

_{[He's a terrible person. He's disgusting. A coward. Pathetic. He couldn't even save just one person. A person he cared about at that. Now here he was, throwing himself at his best friend, the person he loved most of all and yet knew very little about relatively. Does it feel good? It does, but he feels guilty. This is something he's wanted so badly but this isn't how he had wanted it to play out. He's just too beside himself to care. It's not a direct answer to Kaworu's question, but it's what he gives him.]}

I love you.

_{[Kaworu is gentle and concerned, everything Shinji wants and needs but he's not perfect. Shinji's been dimly aware of this but he pushes it aside when it doesn't suit him. Like right now. All that matters right now is that Kaworu is someone he can cling to. Someone he can squeeze comfort out of.]}